Uneasiness and a lack of peace. If this truly was what God was calling me to, then why couldn’t I seem to shake these two things? And why did I want to give up so badly? As I had the opportunity a couple of months ago to tag along with Chad on one of his business trips to Florida, I sat on the beach, and I began to surrender these thoughts and emotions over to God. Chad was in and out of meetings for the majority of the trip, and although I would have loved more one on one time with him, the fact that he was busy only increased my intimacy and alone time with God. This precious time with God presented itself as a rare gift – something not be taken for granted or wasted.
Over the next four days, I dedicated each one of them to God and I wrestled with him like I’d never done before. At times I found myself questioning God’s calling on my life, and wondering if there was perhaps a different direction he wanted me to go than the one I had been headed for. Perhaps one that was easier? Or didn’t require for me to give so much of myself? My involvement in the Biblical Counselling ministry at our church felt like it was surpassing what I could handle or was equipped for, and the temptation to relinquish this responsibility kept growing louder. I cried out to him in anguish as the pressure of a life dedicated to ministry felt too much to bear.
God met me in the midst of my perplexity and as I repeatedly poured out my unanswered questions onto him, I found myself completely undone and open to whatever plans he has for me. I was wrestling with God, but with a heart that more than anything did not want to resist his sovereign hand over my life. Although the uneasiness and lack of peace had not yet lifted, the underlying fear that had been lingering did, and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before God’s peace that I craved would follow suit.
“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all of my fears. Those who look to him and radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them.” Psalm 34:4-7
God brings us out of our comfort zones to deflate our own abilities and bring us to a place of total reliance in him. Seasons of wrestling with God can truly strengthen our relationship with him like nothing else, if at the same time we maintain open hands and hearts to what he has planned for us. If there is something in your life that you feel God calling you to (big or small), but it feels hard and your doubting whether or not God can use you, you of all people, in such a way – don’t give up. God does want to use you and he is able.
“Dear Lord, we come to you and we are desperate for your direction in our lives. We desire to be used for your purposes, but sometimes it just feels too hard and we’d rather take an easier route. We rest in knowing that you are able to make all grace abound to us, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, we may abound in every good work (2 Cor 9:8) Amen.”